Geostorm Isn’t Smart Enough to Be Dumb

Is it just me, or would this film have been dramatically better if it had been about the stuff the opening voice over totally glossed over? Like, forget all the conspiracy stuff, show me the world being ravaged by natural disasters and a bunch of scientists coming together and figuring out how to stop it (while smashing down the barriers of nationalism between them in the process). While we’re at it, have that movie be about the establishment of a global communist governm–

… I just invented Star Trek, didn’t I? Fuck.

Seriously, though, I just wasn’t grooving on this whole apolitical conspiracy thriller thing. And if you just want to go for a super trashy disaster movie, the characters weren’t nearly stupid or pretty enough. Or maybe it was just the second one, idk.

The most searing indictment of Geostorm, though, is that it just doesn’t have nearly enough of the titular thing happening. It’s mostly just a bunch of people talking. A lot. Eventually there’s a car chase through a ridiculous amount of lightning where the lightning somehow doesn’t seem to pose any hazard to anyone whatsoever despite there just being an ungodly amount of it.

I don’t know, it just didn’t do anything for me. And I’m literally the target audience of this trash. I liked San Andreas! I love Volcano! And Into the Storm! Twister is one of my favorite movies of all time! If you’re making a stupid disaster movie, you’re really going to want me in your corner, mmmkay? This had weather bullshit and space!!! and I still wasn’t into it. And I really wanted to be that annoying asshole waving my unabashedly positive review of this thing in everyone’s faces and belligerently asserting, “yes, I’m serious!” It would’ve taken very little to get me to that point, honestly, and Geostorm just doesn’t have the goods.

(C-Rank)

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