Reviewing The Cell in the Style of The Cell

Hey, there. So, you’ve decided to use this experimental technology to dive into my brain to try to figure out what I thought of The Cell. Because that’s 100% a thing we can do, but it hasn’t gotten any media attention and it’s just used by this one group of psychologists with no real outside oversight. I don’t know, just roll with it.

One of the things you were sent in here to figure out was why I watched this instead of the David Lynch film I originally planned on watching. Which was it again? As soon as you wonder this (possibly aloud, as though there’s a camera following you because you’re a character in movie or something), you’re attacked by the non-business end of a giant pencil. You flee into the next room, but you have your answer (which, again, you announce out loud for some reason), Eraserhead!

You next find yourself approaching two mountains… twin mountains? Twin Peaks? You suddenly feel very excited. You’ve heard a lot about these two mountains. You’ve heard they’re pretty much the best mountains that have ever existed! You announce out loud (you must really think you’re in a movie or something) that you’re really excited to watch these twin peaks. But you only make it two steps (two episodes?) before you hear an exasperated sigh-laugh that sounds like my voice and the two mountains disappear, never to be seen again.

A bunch of shadowy figures in the background tell you you just don’t get it, that this is the best thing ever.

You next see the president from Independence Day. Well, actually, you see Bill Pullman playing a completely different character, but you see a flash of him as the president from Independence Day first. He’s driving, but he seems to be lost. On a highway, maybe? But there’s a lot of fog, and you can barely see him. You think this might mean that I just literally don’t remember anything about whatever movie I’m trying to remember.

Suddenly, you’re wrapped in blue velvet! This barely makes any impression on you, though, you just shrug it off as a minor inconvenience.

“What?” the shadowy dudes shout with one voice. “Come on, blue velvet is the best!”

You’re feeling pretty weary at this point. Ahead of you there’s a door with an exaggeratedly large “EXIT” sign over it. You feel drawn to it. Impulsively, you break into a run, and you’re across the threshold before you know it. The die has been cast. You sense now that you’re on your way to finding out what I thought of The Cell.

The first thing you notice in this new room is a bunch of mediocre white actors. You notice that the most distinct of these is Dean Norris, which is weird. At first you think that must mean he has a really huge role in the movie, but you realize that isn’t true because all the other actors are talking a whole lot more. Maybe it means he’s the only one I really care for and we could replace basically all the other actors in this movie without any complaint from me, or without causing any harm to the overall quality of the movie. Maybe it would even improve it. I don’t know. It’s really hard to tell, since you’re just seeing my impressions of the movie through really clumsy visual metaphors.

What’s most surprising to you is that the central figure in all of this is the most indistinct of them all. You have to squint really hard or listen really close to figure out that it’s Jennifer Lopez. Maybe she’s supposed to be the protagonist, though? Everything seems to be revolving around her, but it’s hard to tell if she notices, because she delivers all of her lines with the same, monotone reading and you can’t tell if she’s more or less emotional about any of them, or even if there are any different emotions. It all just feels very stiff. Wooden. Yeah, that’s it! Wooden! Suddenly she turns into a tree. Visual metaphors!!

At this point you start seeing a bunch of people in really unappealing bondage. The air around you starts to turn red and the ground rumbles. You get the distinct impression that I’m not very happy about this. Maybe you say something out loud to indicate this again, you seem to like doing that.

As if in a counterpoint, you see the scene where the demon version of the serial killer’s persona collars Jennifer Lopez’s character. Only it isn’t Jennifer Lopez being collared, it’s me. There is no red light or angry earthquakes this time. You decide to back away slowly and find somewhere else to explore. I can’t say I blame you.

At this point the screenwriter and director both appear and start repeating “mentally ill people are dangerous” and “people who are into bondage are creepy” over and over. They advance on you, surround you, and start hitting you repeatedly with books that bear the title PSEUDOSCIENCE on the cover! At this point you have to hit your rescue button and leave the dream world. Once you’re out, you’re going to have to have a talk with Vince Vaughn. I’m sorry, I don’t have any control of what happens outside the dreamscape, so I can’t do anything about that. He’s gonna ask you a bunch of questions and maybe convince you to do something dangerous to help catch whoever made this movie. I hope you catch them.

Please don’t drown me.

(D-Rank)

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