The Hurricane Heist Succeeds Where Geostorm Failed (and Adds a Heist Plot Just to Flex)

Allow me to take this movie way too seriously for about 30 seconds. Sorry, I have to. I don’t know why I’m like this. So: this is supposed to be set in Alabama, so where the hell are all the black people? Also, like, who gives a flying fuck if someone steals a bunch of money from the federal government that the government was going to shred anyway? The movie pays lip service to knowing that there’s not really a great reason to care about that, and then it just… proceeds to assume everybody cares about that. Cool story. Thanks for clearing that one up.

Anyway, though, this is a kind of dumb heist movie with an exceptionally dumb disaster movie built around it. So, you know, I sort of love it. The first five minutes seemed like this was just going to be a straight up Twister rip-off. You have the flashback where somebody’s dad dies in a storm, followed by a shot of a satellite watching a storm, followed by a bunch of meteorology guys in a weather station talking about the storm. It feels like this had to be intentional, especially with the credits doing that thing where the letters all blow away. Honestly, we could’ve skipped the heist movie and just done “Twister but with hurricanes.” That would’ve been pretty alright.

The main reason I kind of loved this is the hurricane effects were just wonderful. The way the storm looked, the way it destroyed things, it was all just wonderful nerd candy. If I saw this when I was 12 I probably would’ve given it 6 stars. I don’t give a shit about the characters or what they’re fighting for, but that’s honestly kinda whatever in this situation. This is just 1000% my shit. If Geostorm had storms half this cool-looking, I would’ve been that annoying asshole defending it. This is exactly what I’m looking for in a disaster movie.

Well, okay, what I’m actually looking for in a disaster movie is Twister, but there’s only one Twister. And no matter how much I don’t mind rewatching Twister way more times than anyone probably should, I also want new stuff. This’ll do.



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