I’m Just Gonna Lightly Edit My 50 Shades Darker Livetweet Instead of Writing Something About It

I’m watching 50 Shades Darker so y’all don’t have to. You’re welcome.

Ana really wants to kiss Christian right after he eats her out. Like, urgently. Has she ever considered just trying having sex with someone who has a pussy?

Ana grabbing the check for breakfast before her multibillionaire boyfriend can get it is the dumbest shit ever.

Christian sure has turned over a new leaf when it comes to consent. He just told Ana she can either come with him or he can carry her, and when she challenged him went to grab her before she panicked and said she’d come with him. Really turned his attitude around 360°

(Always-necessary reminder that 50 Shades is about bondage much in the same way that Sharknado is about meteorology.)

Christian keeps FBI-style files on all of his past, present, and possible future intimate partners just like every totally reasonable, healthy person. Ana is briefly mad about this but quickly pivots to being mad that Christian doesn’t let her touch him??????????????? I read the first two and a half of these books and I still have the capacity to stare, dumbfounded, at some of this shit.

By the way, we’re 35 minutes in and there’s been no bondage.

Is Christian’s mom hitting on Ana?

“I don’t know whether to worship at your feet or spank you.” Was that supposed to be sexy? Because… it wasn’t.

“Sold to the young lady in silver!” Um it’s GREY. Do you not know what movie you’re in? (Also, it doesn’t even look silver.)

First instance of bondage comes 43 minutes in. It’s just her hands being tied behind her back with a tie. There’s some aggressively mediocre pop song pretending to be a hip hop song in the background. I feel like I’m being given some profound insights about straight white people.

That was the least sexy spanking scene ever and they transitioned seamlessly into missionary position sex where Christian demands Ana cum for him like 10 seconds in.

“There’s no way that someone like you could understand what we have.”

-Ana to a woman she saw for like 30 seconds without speaking to earlier and is now having a conversation with, referring to the relationship she’s been in for like a week

Christian has a motorcade to drive from his mom’s to his place.

Christian is worried about one of his exes stalking Ana so they’re sleeping on his boat. (I later self-retweeted this with the comment “Why are my most biting tweets about this movie the ones that just neutrally describe what’s happening”)

The pacific northwest is very pretty. There, I said something nice.

Christian just had Ana take the helm after she protested that she can’t do that because boats are scary and she’s a girl. Then a loud pop song started with the lyrics “I don’t wanna live forever.” Hmmm.

Ana: “I hate bondage but I’m gonna walk into the bondage room to remind the audience that it exists because they haven’t seen it since the last movie.” Also, apparently it’s cool to be back in the apartment now even though nothing has changed since “let’s sleep on the boat” night. I’m pretty sure both of these things happened in the book, too, but you’re allowed to change things in adapting them. (Or you would be if E.L. James hadn’t gotten the screenwriter who made the first movie SLIGHTLY less cringey than the book fired and replaced with her husband. P.S. how am I this deep into this livetweet and only just now mentioning that E.L. James got the screenwriter of an incredibly lucrative film fired and replaced by her husband for the sequel.)

Dakota Johnson deserves to be in a real movie.

Christian just cuffed Ana to a spreader bar and it’s still somehow the most vanilla thing I’ve ever seen and there’s ANOTHER loud pop song just totally undercutting any mood that might otherwise be happening. Also, Christian was really hesitant about the spreader bar because they needed to “learn to walk before they run.” Earlier in the film Christian had Ana wear beads in her pussy during a ritzy gala.

He was eating her pussy (at least I think he was, you know the camera is really skittish about that kind of thing in this unrated version of the most erotic thrill ride of our time) and then he used the spreader bar to flip her over and I was like “wait is he gonna eat her ass” because nothing like that happened in the book on account of how painfully straight they are. Of course, what actually happened is he unbuttoned his pants loudly and it was heavily implied they had vaginal sex when suddenly we cut to a beautiful helicopter shot of Seattle. This would be a much better movie if it was just helicopter shots of Seattle.

Christian uses his influence to IMMEDIATELY get Ana’s boss fired for making a pass at her. Neither of them have any thoughts along the line of, y’know, “gosh this must really suck for women who aren’t dating influential billionaires.”

Christian asking Ana to move in with him by asking “what if you had a key, and you kept some of your stuff here, all of your stuff here, and slept… not at your place” is legitimately kinda cute. There, I said something nice again.

Everyone at this meeting is genuinely astounded by Ana’s revolutionary idea that they should expand their readership by publishing both established authors and newer authors. Some big boss guy wants Ana to fill in for her fired boss. Her: “Um.” Him: “Good, that’s settled, then.” Is Ana some kind of black hole that attracts people that don’t understand consent.

I would rather be watching a kinky movie about vanilla sex than a vanilla movie about kinky sex if that makes any sense.

When Ana runs away after Christian’s stalker shows up and Christian disarms her with his super dom powers I think the loud pop song that plays is supposed to be sad but it sounds exactly the same as all the others. They used a very aggressive blue filter though. So there’s that.

The blue filter went away even though the montage is still going on. Is she not sad anymore?

It is so fucking unfair how blatantly obvious it is that Dakota Johnson is 9000x better than this movie deserves.

I somehow forgot how Ana’s best friend is dating Christian’s brother which is totally fine and normal.

Ana just gave Christian her hand in marriage as a birthday present which is also fine and normal.

Now they’re making out fully clothed (gradually stripping) in the shower. I was mostly joking when I asked if Clark getting in the tub with Lois fully clothed in Batman v Superman was a straight person thing. Now I’m starting to get genuinely worried.

They’re in the bondage room and there’s (you guessed it) loud pop music.

Oh hey Ana is blindfolded and cuffed this is actually kinda kinky oh okay he undid the cuffs right when they started having sex now they’re just bracelets.

… Christian has a Riddick poster in his room at his parents’ house. I don’t know why this is so weird and surprising to me, but it IS.

Well. That was certainly a movie. The first movie actually wasn’t nearly as bad as the book because it kinda diverted just enough to not completely suck. Shockingly, the sequel with E.L. James’s husband as the screenwriter didn’t do that. It’s still IMPOSSIBLE for these movies to be quite as bad as the books, though. We don’t get Ana’s goddamn inner monologue at least. I swear to God if I hear one fucking reference to her inner goddess or whatever the fuck.

I’ve been feeling congested since this afternoon, but if I’m really coming down with something I’m going to blame it on this movie.

(C-Rank)


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