I Fell Asleep During Deep Blue Sea and Missed Nothing

I fell asleep for like 15 minutes late in this movie and proceeded to watch the rest of it. I had the distinct feeling that I hadn’t really missed anything, and when I went back and watched the rest, that suspicion was confirmed. I feel like that says kind of a lot about this movie.

On the whole, it was fine. It was more or less what I expected it to be. Moderately attractive people in wetsuits (or just wet clothes) being eaten by garish-looking CGI sharks. (One thing: if we’re going to use a species other than great white in order to be different, why not use tiger sharks instead of mako sharks? Tiger sharks are fucking cool. And one even gets killed very ignobly early in the film. Not cool.) I figured out every character within like two seconds of them being introduced. When the main character (who I didn’t know was the main character because I didn’t recognize the actor at all) walked on screen, I actually said, “Hi, I’m generically masculine” out loud, and that ended up being basically his entire character. So, yeah.

The CGI is just as bad as everyone says it is, but that gets kind of a great big shrug for me because I wasn’t really expecting anything else and it didn’t really bother me. I was pretty genuinely annoyed when it looked like Generically Masculine Mediocre Guy and the white woman who actually was the biologist responsible for turning the sharks into unstoppable killing machines were the two that were going to survive, but there was a last minute switch where she ended up dying and LL Cool J ended up surviving, so that was alright. And this movie actually gets a pass for the shock value of Samuel L. Jackson because, A) he’s easily the biggest star in the movie and that made his death in the middle of the movie kind of interesting, and B) it’s basically the only actually interesting thing about this movie.

Although killing the biologist lady instead of LL Cool J was absolutely the right call, I am really annoyed that just a few scenes behind that she stripped down to her bra and panties in order to electrocute a shark. First of all, what? Second of all… what? But seriously, if you’re going to punish a character with a narratively-justified death, maybe don’t use her as blatant eye candy immediately before that. The messages you’re sending there are just… not great.

(C-Rank)

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