Whip It Needs to Come Out of the Closet

There didn’t need to be a single man in this film.

Okay, I guess Ruthless’s dad can stay. And that clearly queer guy at the shop where Ruthless buys her boots. And the asshole who teased her at school, because the part where she hip checks his girlfriend was everything. (It would’ve been better if she had hip checked him, though.)

But like, the second they walk into the rink, it should’ve been a magical place with nothing but girls.

Why are the coaches men?

Why are most of the spectators men?

Why is the play-by-play announcer Jimmy Fallon?

Most egregiously of all, we’re really meant to believe that Ruthless joins a roller derby team, spends her nights getting beaten up by other hot women, and she falls head over heels for some generic rocker boy? Fuck off. Pretending there’s even a minuscule chance she would be hetero is pretty much cultural appropriation.

It also does that really frustrating thing every single drama does where suddenly, right towards the end of act two, every single relationship in the protagonist’s life goes south at the same time, and the beginning of the third act is just this whirlwind of her making up with everyone.

Like, okay, I’m not going to pretend that I didn’t cry a little when Ruthless’s team showed up to rescue her from the pageant and her parents gave her their blessing (and even showed up to support her), but that’s not exactly a huge accomplishment because ever since I started taking estrogen I feel like I’m basically the best at crying. Like, if it were a competitive sport, I would have taken to it as naturally as Ruthless took to roller derby. But anyway, to have her simultaneously falling out with her best friend and finding out her boyfriend was an asshole was just kind of a bit much. (Of course, she shouldn’t have had a boyfriend in the first place, but I digress.) Whenever movies do this (and it happens all the time), it just always feels like Too Much.

Anyway, I leave you with the very important information that Iron Maven can talk down to me and shove me into a locker whenever she wants.

(C-Rank)

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