We’ve Finally Been Fifty Shades Freed from the Fifty Shades Movies

What are these movies commercials for? Being white? Being rich? Being straight? Jealousy? Monogamy? Monotony? Seriously, though. Fifty Shades of Grey was a surprisingly competent film considering the quality of the source material. (Though it couldn’t help but have a lot of the more problematic aspects of its source material, obviously.) Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed are both shot like luxury car commercials and every single scene is overpowered with middle-of-the-road, top 40, slow dance tracks.

I also can’t stand that these are The Bondage Movies. Granted, at one point I wanted to make a list of movies that did a better job of depicting BDSM than Fifty Shades, only to watch a bunch and discover that there might never have actually been a good movie about BDSM made. Still, though, this really isn’t bondage porn. It’s rich straight white people porn with a side of monogamy and aggressive jealousy. And for dessert, blatantly toxic/abusive relationship behaviors.

Still, like… they’re Fifty Shades movies. You kind of know what you’re getting, so it’s a little hard for me to get as worked up about it as you might expect me to be. I honestly find them kind of hilarious and endearing in a weird way. And some of the venom directed towards them is… a bit much. And stuff like them being nominated for every category of the Razzies every year is just a joke when they’re mediocre at worst, they just have the temerity to be marketed towards middle aged women and be about sex, so you know, how dare they.

Seriously, though, the “yay rich people!!!” shit and abusive relationship shit is way worse than the mediocre straight people sex. Even though the sex is painfully boring and profoundly unsexy.


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