fine, i finally watched a black mirror episode

people kept telling me that i needed to watch san junipero even though everything i’ve ever heard about black mirror has made the series as a whole sound like just the fucking worst, and yeah okay they were right.

i cry a lot.

when i heard stories of going on estrogen making it easier for trans people to cry, i kind of made fun of the idea. like, “how can that possibly be true? i’m like the best at crying.” and then i started estrogen and was like “oh. ok. fuck. it’s real.” and like, don’t get me wrong, i cry more often but like… it feels ok to cry now? like. i don’t always have these big, heaving sobbing fits? it honestly feels kinda refreshing afterwards sometimes? i never used to feel anything but completely destroyed after crying. now, sometimes i feel refreshed or even energized.

yesterday i cried over a pro overwatch match. (… don’t look at me like that, there were reasons.) i then had a very detailed discussion with one of my best friends about what sports moments in the last few years have made me cry. (most of them were pre-e btw. i don’t watch very many sports anymore.)

all of this is to provide context when i say that i don’t remember the last time a piece of media made me cry this much.

like… we’re talking a crying fit that completely ruined me. we’re talking a crying fit that had aftershocks. like, all of the crying couldn’t be contained in the main cry, it needed to come out a little at a time, even though that a little was a lot. i told netflix to go fuck itself when it tried to skip the credits, because i just needed to still be connected with this piece of media that had inspired such an intense emotional experience for me.

and like… it wasn’t even uncomplicated sadness or tragedy that was making me cry here. this just made me feel so many things. and it made me feel a lot of them at the same time. and i just.

before things got weepy and real, though, i couldn’t get over how on brand some of the gay girl flirting in this was for me. (actually, one gay girl and one bi girl, but they’re being gay together.) like. kelly is trying to get yorkie to have a drink with her, and when she’s reluctant, kelly flippantly asks, “do i have to tug your leash?” and later, they’re sitting outside being flirty and yorkie says “you’re stupid” and kelly says “thank you.” and just… is this actually not sounding super me to anyone?


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