batman & harley quinn is as misguided as it thinks poison ivy is

there’s a much better movie hiding in here & i’m mad about it.

nix all the super uncomfortable Harley/nightwing sex stuff. (as much as it pains me to suggest deleting a bondage scene, sometimes even bondage isn’t worth the price of admission.) honestly, consider nixing batman & nightwing altogether. at least marginalize them. they could add flavor, but they’re extraneous.

and it all brings us to… Harley desperately talking Poison Ivy out of her plan. not because she’s wrong–she’s fucking right–but because the way she’s going about it is all wrong & is being heavily influenced by that giant plant guy whose name i don’t remember or care about.

this is the only part of the movie i almost genuinely liked. and of course it’s queer as fuck. Harley cries to provoke Ivy’s sympathy & get her to reconsider. Ivy tearfully embraces her & unconvincingly declares “i hate u so much” thru her tears. (THIS IS SO GAY HOW IS THIS MOVIE NOT EXPLICITLY GAY UGH.)

the worst part is that i briefly thought this movie WAS openly gay & it turns out i misheard. the weird plant guy gets all mad & appears to openly acknowledge their queerness. “so. this is where your true allegiance lies. with that cancerous mate.” (according to the captions it’s actually “meat,” but tbh i’m sticking with the way i initially misheard it. of course, the truly frustrating thing for me is that i spent the whole movie being irritated that they kept aggressively framing Harley & Ivy as “friends” & thought i/everyone with a lick of sense was finally vindicated, but whatever.)

and… and at this point, for all of its deeply problematic bullshit, this actually could’ve been a good movie! Ivy, now firmly on the side of her girlfriend, asserts herself against weird plant guy declaring “the plant world belongs to me!” but ridiculously, he overpowers her. and then everything just kind of snowballs into more & more bad dumbness from there before ending on an inappropriately comedic note.

alternate ending: Ivy does overpower weird plant guy, but Harley never suggests she submit herself to a corrupt, patriarchal justice system. (i cannot fucking abide that part no matter what other alterations are made.) batman & nightwing either were never involved in the first place, giving us the Ivy & Harley movie we deserve, or else Harley helps Ivy escape them so they can go off & plan how to actually save the world together.

but the important thing is that even the piece of shit of a movie we actually have acknowledges to a very limited extent that Poison Ivy is fucking right. at least, she’s more right than those that oppose her. it’s just too fucking cowardly to actually follow thru on that.

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