the kelvinverse “star trek” movies

star trek (2009)

this was a pretty good star wars movie! like, it wasn’t rise of skywalker good, but it was probably about on par with rogue one! that part at the beginning with the boy beating another boy bloody was kinda disturbing, though? and then he like became one of the protagonists? that was a bit distracting. like, the dude clearly has some serious anger issues, which honestly kinda continue throughout the rest of the movie. i think we’re supposed to like him but i kinda just don’t get it.

he also talks about “logic” a lot so maybe he’s written this way to be a dig at reddit or something? you know, those guys (and it’s ALWAYS guys) who insist that they’re guided by logic & accuse everyone else of having “feels” but they’re just honestly the angstiest, most emotionally-fragile mfers ever.

not that the other protagonist is any better. worse, actually. he’s basically every bad stereotype about frat boys. i love a good horny protagonist as much as the next enby, but wow he was super rapey and just… unsubtle. he was also a pretty huge himbo, though, so at least there’s that i guess.

they were really heavy-handed about that whole alternate timeline thing? idk. felt weird. and they spend a lot of time on the ship!! i thought that was kind of weird in a star wars movie, but everything else felt very star warsy so that’s alright. like, that engineer guy had a little alien dude sidekick for some reason & he didn’t do or say anything, but the movie sure made sure u noticed him anyway. and the bad guy’s entire plan is just… imma blow up planets!!

it was kinda weird how the one protagonist threw the other one off the ship for insubordination!! is that how discipline works ordinarily in this universe? it was pretty funny how kirk ended up on the same part of the same planet as that other super important character, though. classic star wars right there.

i can’t wait to see how the sequel expands upon this pretty serviceable opening act and definitely doesn’t just repeat the exact same conflicts as this one but dumber & less good. also i’m sure these characters will grow on me eventually, right?

i mean, it is a star wars movie after all.

(c-rank)

star trek into darkness

(cw: drug use)

“are you giving me attitude?”
“i am expressing several attitudes simultaneously.”

you know, there was a very small part of me, a miniscule part of me, a TINY part of me that went into this thinking it was the chance to give it another shot, that maybe i could learn to appreciate it on say the same level that i appreciate godzilla 1998. like. OF COURSE it isn’t a good representation of the Thing it’s trying to be?? but maybe it’s enjoyable in some kind of like “yeah this is dumb trash but i like dumb trash!!” kinda way??

and then i was really high on the SECOND night it took to get through this calamity yelling “IT’S SO DUMB. IT’S SO DUMB. I HATE IT!” at the screen.

at least it was 4/20 so i was able to feel good for other, unrelated reasons.

oh, um.

ok, shameful admission time. i actually cried at kirk’s death.

like. it’s AWFUL. the concept is awful. the writing is awful. everything about it is awful. but just…

the scene itself is still a moving death scene? like… it’s AWFUL for all the obvious reasons that it’s awful… but… yeah. it got me on this rewatch.

it was one of those “NO. STOP. I AM *NOT* CRYING OVER THIS MOVIE. I AM NOT” sort of situations, but… it happened. i can’t pretend it didn’t.

(c-rank)

star trek beyond

i like the first half of this movie better than the second half? don’t get me wrong, i love jaylah & she can absolutely step on me, but the villain gets less interesting the more we get to know him and his motivation is just muddled as all heck and like OH HEY WE FINALLY DID A PLOT WHERE EARTH ISN’T THREATENED WITH DESTRUCTION oh wait this big, important, magic space station that might as well be earth is threatened with destruction instead. sigh.

like. i like that the enterprise is actually on a five-year mission!! and i like the attempts to humanize what that looks like. it really felt like a paradigm shift until we settled into the plot. idk, at least having some lip service is a step.

i guess i kinda feel like for all the positive buzz there was around this, this movie is less than the sum of its parts? it felt like a course correction that coulda eventually led to bigger and better things but i’m actually still super glad this version of the franchise died a quiet death.

(c-rank)


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