the roland emmerich godzilla is a bad godzilla movie but a fun cheesy 90s action movie

this is somehow the first godzilla movie i ever saw. well, i shouldn’t say “somehow.” i grew up in america in the 90s and i liked dumb blockbuster movies. i particularly liked independence day & jurassic park and this is basically just the director of independence day reacting to jurassic park so yeah of course i saw it & yeah of course i loved it.

the thing is, i grew up & actually like actual kaiju movies now, so i’m supposed to hate this but i just don’t & now i feel like i need to justify that because im a big hecking dummy. and, y’know, the reason i like this is basically because im a big hecking dummy who likes big hecking dumb movies. the end. justification over.

if you ignore the fact that this is supposed to be a godzilla movie, it seriously rules? and if you don’t ignore the fact that this is supposed to be a godzilla movie it wildly misses the mark but it still kinda rules imo? i just hecking love this kinda cheesy nonsense. you know what it is? it’s bimboification, in movie terms. and since i’m the biggest thembo you know, of course i’m into it!

… shoot, that’s it, isn’t it? i might not like this godzilla as much as her cousin, and i get why she’s seen as a degradation of the original (according to shogo tomiyama, producer of godzilla movies in japan at the time and later president of toho, emmerich’s effort “took the god out of godzilla”)… and oh no, i’m into it.

ok. well. cool. that’s a thing i guess.

oh & before i entirely move on from how much of a degenerate i am… despite this being the “inferior” godzilla i am very horny for her??? like when she attacked that fishing vessel & her tail smashed thru it i just… felt vv subby. ditto the near miss where she almost steps on that camera guy & he ends up just literally between her toes. can you imagine getting to be that close to a kaiju’s toes??? unreal.

(for some insight into how v high me reacts to things, in my notes here i have written “toes” and on a separate line “please remember why you said toes” and then “i do not trust you; godzilla’s toes almost stepping on camera dude” and then just “toes” again, so yeah i’m v smart & v definitely not horny.)

there are also so many good maw shots, if you’re that kind of degenerate? (#socialistteeth.) and like it is unbelievable to me that so many people in this movie were so close to godzilla’s maw & didn’t just hop right in there?

***

opening credits:

vi: wait are we meant to believe that godzilla is a giant mutated iguana or something???
me: oh, don’t worry, this movie isn’t going to leave something like that up to you to figure out.

***

that’s this movie’s definition of subtlety. that, and the fact that it’s established about 20 times that godzilla eats fish. there’s planting & payoff, but this time it’s more like planting & planting & planting & planting & planting & planting & payoff that is actually still planting somehow & more planting. so much planting. it’s like playing animal crossing: new horizons or harvest moon or farmville probably (idk i’ve only played the first one i listed). in my notes i have this written as “fish (i wonder if she eats these? oh well i guess it’s a mystery).”

or the giant godzilla-shaped holes godzilla leaves in my heart–i, i mean, the godzilla-shaped hole godzilla leaves in multiple buildings. or the extremely straightforward sexual harassment that happens between maria pitillo’s character & her boss.

there’s also some really subtle dialogue. like someone says “you’re gonna need bigger guns.” which is an extremely subtle reference to “you’re gonna need a bigger boat” in jaws. remember jaws? or “you know how i get that bad feeling before something bad happens” which is actually somehow a less subtle version of the intentionally unsubtle “i have a bad feeling about this” that includes the word “bad” twice just to make sure you really, really get it.

oh and emmerich had a grudge against siskel & ebert so there’s just… literally blatant siskel & ebert-looking dudes who i think are actually literally named “mayor ebert” & “gene” & are both just awful. and when the mayor fires “gene,” “gene” gives him a thumbs down. y’know. subtle.

it’s as subtle as the way vicki lewis’s character hits on matty ice’s character by asking him if he has a wife (or a girlfriend or whatever) and just… won’t drop the subject. and then follows up with “well, i think you’re cute.” extremely subtle. i wonder if she’s hitting on him.

“that’s a lot of fish.” this one is famous enough that i don’t think i have to say anything.

but i think the absolute best example is when this one scene just opens with this anonymous fisher guy walking onto this super long wooden pier that is apparently right by new york city because yeah that’s probably a thing that actually exists… and the movie just lingers on this guy setting up his chair & sitting down & casting his line… & the whole time u just… know exactly what’s gonna happen. but u just have to keep watching… and then wow! he catches something but it must be a rly big fish because he’s having trouble reeling it in!!! and… and… now this is gonna be a huge shock… but it’s godzilla!! who rises out of the ocean and starts stomping on things. wow. did not see that coming.

***

i’m making fun of this movie pretty hard rn so i feel a need to reiterate that yeah, i do shamefully love it & wanna have a really sweaty conflicted makeout sesh with it. but… the way im negging it rn is nothing compared to when we were watching it.

so, early on in the movie, i pointed out that the guy in charge of the military response doesn’t rly look like he should be in such a position… he rly looks like he should be somebody’s stepdad coaching a high school football team? so whenever he gives orders, one of us almost always broke the mood by just saying “ok, coach!” out loud.

two more gems from our mst3king that didn’t fit anywhere else:

  • “everyone else speaks french but i’m a major supporting character so i speak english with a french accent”
  • “yeah take a picture of that kaiju ass. yeah take another one. i support it.”

anyway yeah im fully aware that this movie is trash but it’s my trash so shut up.

(b-rank)

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