The MonsterVerse Movies

Godzilla (2014)

… GODZILLA WON BY SPITTING IN THE OTHER KAIJU’S MOUTH I’M SO THIRSTY RN

(B-Rank)

Kong: Skull Island

Again this is basically three incredible CGI scenes strung together by a lot of good actors doing not a whole lot. And it’s just genuinely frustrating that the 1933 movie is a way better thirst trap for Kong stomping on people. (Yes, hi, I’m a monsterfucker. Sorry not sorry.) He’s a very uninspiring kaiju-adjacent monster, and they made an extremely okay movie around him. I really hope Godzilla vs. Kong focuses way more on Godzilla than Kong.

(C-Rank)

Godzilla: King of the Monsters

LONG. LIVE. THE. THING.

This is like two tweaks away from being perfect, I swear.

(A-Rank)

Godzilla vs. Kong

The stupid Batman V Superman comparisons you’re getting tired of actually aren’t all that far off the mark, is the funny thing? But this is drastically better than BVS, and I say that as someone with an above-average level of patience for BVS.

What I was really hoping was this would continue the tone Godzilla: King of the Monsters established of coming WAY closer to a lot of the goofier Japanese Godzilla sequels than you might expect from an American Godzilla movie, and yeah this pretty much did that! And this kinda superficial fun stuff is about the best we’re ever gonna get from an American Godzilla movie and that’s kinda okay as long as they stay in their lane? Like, if they tried to take on any of the deeper themes the series explores they would just mess it up. Just don’t.

The one big picture change I would make here is wayyyyyyyyyy less human stuff. In fairness the humans ARE basically used as connective tissue, which is the correct scope for them in this kind of Godzilla movie, but they just ate up too much of the screentime! (The little girl can stay. She was the MVP of the human side.)

I do love that Godzilla just totally kicked Kong’s ass. Just absolutely wiped the floor with him twice. Even after one character prematurely declared, “Looks like Round 2 goes to Kong,” Godzilla just went “NOPE,” flattened the sucker, clawed the heck out of his chest, and stomped on him repeatedly in victory. Kong just didn’t have an answer. Godzilla was just better than him. Which. Yeah!!!! He is!!!!!!

Frustratingly the filmmakers apparently felt they needed to “even things out” by having Kong do most of the work to defeat Mechagodzilla, including landing not just the decisive blow but basically all the blows leading up to that. Unreal. Yeah, Kong vs. Mechagodzilla, that’s the classic matchup kaiju fans are looking for.

Okay, but really, weird choices aside these fight scenes RULED. And I love that we unambiguously are dealing with good guy Godzilla. Godzilla has always been better as a heroic kaiju than bad or morally ambiguous. I just love the big guy. I hate it when movies try (and fail) to make you root against him.

(A-Rank)


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