MORTAL KOMBAT [INTENSE TECHNO]

Mortal Kombat (1995)

I want Goro to just absolutely destroy my twink ass. Just completely ruin me.

Listen. I will fucking go to bat for Paul W.S. Anderson. I don’t even care what it does to my already dubious nerd cred. I have never had a negative experience watching one of his movies, and that isn’t something I can say about a lot of directors who unapologetically make trashy, broadly entertaining movies. I wish this guy caught on and was repeatedly entrusted with big studio projects instead of Michael Bay, but alas.

Mortal Kombat isn’t on the level of the Resident Evil movies or Alien vs. Predator for me, though it does interestingly share with the latter the unfortunate fate of having someone other than Paul W.S. Anderson make a dramatically worse sequel. The fights are admittedly not great, and if you wanted to tear this one a new one for having large segments of the plot where characters are just standing around not really doing much, it would be hard for me to argue with you. And the CGI is beyond dodgy. But if you want to see how it could’ve been much, much worse, look no farther than the sequel.

And damn that theme is catchy.

Mortal Kombat: The Journey Begins

Infamously adorable bad CGI. Makes Mortal Kombat: Annihilation look professional by contrast. Highly recommend watching while high.

(C-Rank)

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

Halfway through this, Mommy asked me to guess its Rotten Tomatoes ranking. I guessed 2% because it was the funniest number I could think of. I was right.

It was on purpose, right? This CGI was clearly made using PS1 developer software, right? They wanted it to look like a real 1990s video game, right??? Right?????

I’m genuinely not saying don’t watch this? Probably get really high like we did? It’s freaking hilarious if you don’t want it to be good. Just. Wildly entertaining. The CGI is famously awful, and I had seen this before (back around when it first came out so it’s been a while), but I was somehow not prepared for how actually bad it was!!

I love how they couldn’t even bother to try to find an actress for Sonya who looked anything like she looked in the previous movie. Not only that but they couldn’t even have the actress they did get have a remotely similar hair style or wig??? Which is totally controllable?????? The lack of effort is just wild.

Parts of it are weirdly horny? so that’s cool. Lotsa folks getting stepped on and told to bow down and such.

Oh a real fun thing to do while you’re watching this is to guess whether various enemies are characters from the games they wanted to cram in like an excited child waving a drawing at you yelling “Mommy LOOK!!” or the result of the director panicking right before a scene and sending a gofer to Party City to throw together a henchman costume. I’ve played just enough Mortal Kombat that I mostly knew who was who, but I’m pretty sure there were quite a few of the latter kind.

(D-Rank)

Mortal Kombat (2021)

I am begging you to just give us more straightforward adaptations of video games. You don’t need to twist them around to make them more “movie”y. You don’t need to have people dress in subtler versions of their game costumes. Just go all-in. Please!

Also, this entire movie revolved around Original Character Do Not Steal, and I know this is a matter of opinion but I just think that’s a horrible direction to go. And I also think his design is pretty awful for a Mortal Kombat character. Like all he gets is a dumb shirt. Who cares???

At least barely anyone in this movie was white, that was refreshing. And there was a decent amount of blood compared to the original movies. The effects were pretty video gamey but not completely terrible. The fights are decent. And my beautiful Goro is done much better here than in the original.

Just give me my dumb brightly-colored ninjas, though, dang it! There’s not a whole lot else going for this movie, so while I’m not normally gonna complain about faithfulness to the source material, this is one case where I think it makes sense to, because there’s just not a lot else going on here.

TL;DR it was fine, but woulda been much better if they ditched Original Character Do Not Steal.

(C-Rank)

,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: