Reviewing The Conjuring Universe

The Conjuring

If you ignore all the silly Christian nonsense warped views of the spirit world, this is just fantastic. It’s so oppressively creepy but in a way that’s just so hecking fun to watch. I remembered it being really good but I feel like my memory actually undersold it. This is so dang good.

(A-Rank)

Annabelle

Oh nooooo, this is just BAD.

I mean, that’s more or less what I was told to expect, but like. The intentional horror was so nothing that we decided pretty early on that the real horror was everybody’s cishet/WASPy religious bullshit.

Meanwhile the strongest reaction the scenes that were supposed to provide the scares managed to provoke in me was I think I literally said the word “okay” out loud once and that was pretty much it.

Wait, no, that’s not true I also laughed a bunch of times. That’s the reaction scares are going for, right? Nailed it.

Anyway that’s why it’s a bad movie, but it’s also a racist one to boot. The shockingly regressive resolution of the movie literally hinges on a black woman sacrificing herself to save a white woman. Which is really frustrating because despite being relegated to being the white woman’s magical negro guide she seemed like she was probably a much more interesting person than any of the film’s protagonists.

(D-Rank)

The Conjuring 2

“Look, I know how it is. I know what it’s like to lose your friends because you’re different. But I also know that one person can change everything, and you just have to open up to them.”
“How did you know you could trust the people you opened up to?”
“I didn’t. And sometimes I got hurt. And it took a long time, but I finally found someone who believed me.”
“What did you do then?”
“I married him.”

Look there’s plenty of stuff here that isn’t for me. Like Christianity as a whole. Just. The whole thing. But nevertheless, I love this movie. And one of the things I love about it the most is that it put Ed and Lorraine’s relationship front and center, made it the heart of the movie. I have no idea if the real people these characters were based on were anywhere near as wholesome and good, but I love me some movie Ed and Lorraine Warren. Especially Lorraine. Girl was the MVP of this movie.

And that nun scare (you know the one) is still one of the best scares I’ve ever seen in a movie, hands down.

(A-Rank)

Annabelle: Creation

I actually like and care about all the characters but that’s pretty much it. It’s a shame they didn’t put a better movie around them, because they actually had my buy-in and totally squandered it.

(C-Rank)

The Nun

If you don’t take any of the religious bullshit seriously this rules. It’s so pulpy and good.

I give zero shits about both of the male leads, but Taissa Farmiga was the kind of anchor her sister is in the two Conjuring movies. It also has a spooky atmosphere and pretty engaging storytelling and that’s frankly enough for me. It also really doesn’t hurt that the demon just pinned down and choked the protagonist at the climax of the movie.

As previously alluded to, one thing that could’ve sunk the movie for me if I took it seriously is how the Catholic Church is portrayed as this sort of ass-kicking force for good. The priest is given basically a mission briefing at the Vatican, which is pretty damn funny. But what really rubbed me the wrong way was the way one of the flashbacks showed a bunch of Crusaders charging in to save the day. In reality the Crusaders didn’t so much save the day as they did kill a whole shitload of people for no real reason. So, not really digging that.

Still, creepy vibes and creepy scenery to match and a chokey demon and an extremely likable female protagonist. Kind of hard for me to not like that, right?

(A-Rank)

The Curse of La Llorona

Nothing special, but perfectly watchable. Weirdly white, though. The family in this was pretty good and all and I would have considered them a strength in a different horror movie, but I really think this one should’ve had Latinx leads.

(C-Rank)

Annabelle Comes Home

YOU GUYS OMG THEY DID IT. THEY DID IT. THEY ACTUALLY MADE A GOOD ANABELLE MOVIE.

(B-Rank)

The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It

Not even close to as good as the first two but that’s okay. If they keep being exactly this good and no better, I wouldn’t stop watching this franchise anytime soon. They’ve got a good groove going.

(B-Rank)


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: