10 Fast 10 Reviewed

The Fast and the Furious (2001)

A cop learns to stop being a cop. Important life lesson.

Weird cishet masculinity aside, Dom’s family takes care of each other. That’s all any of us can ask for in a society designed to work us to death to extract every ounce of value for our exploiters. They’re criminals? Good. More of us ought to be.

The truckers who started carrying shotguns to deter theft are class traitors. The real thieves are the people making bank off of their labor day in and day out.

So endeth the most basic, half-hearted Marxist reading of a surprising class conscious but otherwise loud & dumb action movie.

If you’re a cop, you should try not being a cop. Being a person is much more fulfilling.

(B-Rank)

2 Fast 2 Furious

I should probably watch this while not high sometime to confirm it, but… uh… yeah. Embarrassingly enough, I think I like 2 Fast 2 Furious now.

So, yeah, again worth noting that I was very high. But you know that thing where a tiny little perspective change can radically alter how you look at something (especially a piece of media)? Well, try this.

This movie is SO gay.

Like. So, SO gay.

I did initially read Rome’s jealousy over Brian flirting with women as meaning they were in a monogamous relationship and he’s a bit jealous and controlling, which I didn’t love, but there’s actually a more charitable way of reading that too! He just got him back, and he’s worried about losing him again, and as he starts to feel more secure in the relationship those jealousy flare ups will abate.

But other than that… they spend a lot of the movie sorting their relationship out, when they’re not doing that they’re bragging about how amazing of drivers each other are, and when they’re not doing that they’re being super competitive towards each other to get the juices flowing for some really great post-competition sex, and when they’re not doing that etc etc etc!

What really gets me is never ONCE did this movie explicitly resist this reading. And to top it all off, at the end of the movie they literally ride off into the sunset to open a garage together!! And they decide to stay in Miami, which is well known for being a SUPER gay area!!! GUYS!!

Speaking of Miami, I love the tropical lighting in this movie. It’s just such a sunny movie! The first movie also takes place in a tropical area but Los Angeles is a different kind of sunny. Miami gives you all these neon colors and just constantly has you thinking about beaches and water. It’s a really chill vibe.

Also in case the movie itself wasn’t gay enough, my boyfriend and I had a hot, sloppy makeout sesh in the middle of it, and that’s an experience I kinda missed out on in high school for all the obvious reasons so I really genuinely appreciated getting to have the terminally cliche “put on a stupid movie and make out” experience! And I’m always gonna associate that with this movie from now on.

So, uh, yeah. 2 Fast 2 Furious just went from one of my least favorite movies to a movie that I… think I really, genuinely like. So. That happened.

(B-Rank)

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

Honestly I kinda loved this movie aside from the protagonist this time. I don’t think I could see past that the first time I saw it, but if you ignore the fact that the protagonist is boring as hell, this movie kinda rules. Take your pick from Han or Neela or even Twinkie, any of them woulda made a better protagonist than Sean, and Takashi is a freaking awesome villain. But yeah. This time around I really genuinely loved this movie aside from Sean.

(B-Rank)

Fast & Furious (2009)

Okay well, this is becoming a pattern with early entries in this series (lmao the fourth film is early in the series), but I liked this one a lot better than I remember liking it!! I remember it dragging a lot and it really doesn’t? And I love how video game-like a lot of it feels.

My only real complaint is I can’t believe Brian went back to being a cop. Unless he became a cop again when Letty came to him to clear Dom’s name. That’s the only thing that would make it remotely okay, but the movie isn’t very specific about what happened there so who knows.

And Dom doing an Aragorn from Two Towers but with cars instead of grass/etc is still the most joyfully dumb thing ever. As was Dom shattering his window with his elbow instead of just rolling it down.

(B-Rank)

Fast Five

“The most important thing in life will always be the people in this room. Right here, right now. Salute, mi familia.”

That right there? That is why I love these movies.

This one used to be my favorite but I don’t think it is anymore? But it’s still really, really good. It has some wonderfully stupid superhero car things (which will become increasingly stupid and awesome as the series goes on), and the scene where Dom & company intimidate The Rock into leaving them alone thanks to solidarity from all the random people around them is one of the best scenes of the entire series.

Oh, yeah, and The Rock is in this one. And he isn’t even the actor I have the biggest crush on in this, that would be Sung Kang.

(B-Rank)

Fast & Furious 6

“You don’t turn your back on family.  Even when they do.”

Obviously I don’t agree with this sentiment at all when it’s about biological/compulsory family, at which point it’s just abuse apologism, but given that these movies have always been about chosen family I can definitely get behind it.

I know conventional wisdom is that Fast Five is the best one, but after rewatching them I actually think this is my favorite of the series.

“Believe me the last place I want to be is in front of your door step selling girl scout cookies.”

Well, why not? I would buy the fuck out of some girl scout cookies from The Rock.

I gotta say though I really didn’t love his character in this, especially early on. Like when he’s hilariously beating the shit out of a prisoner. Or when he’s hilariously being casually sexist towards his partner. But, you know. Cops.

On the other hand in one of the first action scenes he jumps out of a car on an elevated highway onto another car driving on a ground-level highway, both cars are driving hella fast, and it’s not even the most ridiculous thing that happens in this movie, so you know.

“And Brian! When did you do this photo shoot? I’m just playing, man. You know you’re the prettiest blonde around here.”

Rome says this to Brian when they’re looking at pictures of Shaw’s crew. Glad to see him telling his boyfriend he’s beautiful. I know they don’t see each other as much lately with Brian’s primary partner giving birth and all, but that doesn’t mean their relationship isn’t still important!

The other blonde he’s talking about is one of Shaw’s crew who doesn’t get many speaking lines, but she wears fishnet on her arms, she blows a kiss at Brian after flipping his car (very dommy move!!), and I want her to step on me.

Speaking of Shaw’s crew, I love how this one is a team vs. team thing!!! I just always love that kind of structure. I’d definitely prefer it if Dom’s family weren’t working with cops, but at least it’s a marriage of convenience.

“At least when I go, I’ll know what it’s for.”

Dom’s conversation with Letty immediately followed by his confrontation with Shaw is kind of the heart of the movie. It was around this time that I decided this was probably my favorite one of these. And this also feels like the right time to mention that the soundtrack does some serious work in this movie.

“Let’s play this fast and clean.”

Oh no are we adding another word to this dang franchise’s name? Fast & Clean & Furious?

Every one of these movies starting with the previous one has to have a breathtakingly dumb moment involving a car, and I think this one’s might be my favorite. The setup with Shaw bursting out of an armored vehicle in a tank is already plenty. Then Brian’s boyfriend Rome gets in trouble and has to bail out, and Brian saves him by getting his car under him so he can jump onto it, which is itself joyfully dumb, but we’re not done. Because Dom totally one ups him. Letty gets thrown off the tank, and Dom jumps out of his car, flies through the air to the other side of a separated elevated highway, collides with/catches her in midair, and they land on a car hood with her on top of him. This is the moment where this series just definitively decided that these characters have superpowers as long as they’re near cars.

This setpiece action scene is possibly one upped by the following one where Dom & family chase down a plane in cars, because of course they do. You’ve probably already heard that this scene goes on for so long the runway must’ve been like a hundred miles long, which is funny but honestly the scene is so awesome I kind of don’t care.

It’s a rather long series of fights and various perils, but eventually we get some payoffs to the team vs. team angle with Dom vs. Shaw, Letty vs. the cop girl who was actually working for Shaw, and The Rock vs. a big guy. My only complaint here is we don’t get Brian vs. dommy blonde lady!! They clearly set it up by having her flip his car and blow a kiss at him earlier, and they reminded us by having Rome tease him about the picture. Why wouldn’t you pay that off??? Oh well.

Anyway it gets to a point where while this is going on inside the plane, outside the plane everyone else is fighting like on top of cars and stuff, and it just rules. And then when the plane blows up with Dom still on it he escapes through the burning wreckage in a car because of course he does, and there’s this beautifully ridiculous bullshit where he walks out of the flames all heroic and shit.

Yeah. I unironically love this movie.

(A-Rank)

Furious 7

This movie features a fistfight between Ronda Rousey and Michelle Rodriguez. So I guess you could say it’s a TERF war.

This has some joyfully stupid moments and the way they handled Paul Walker’s passing was about as well as they possibly could have. It made me cry a bunch when I saw it in theaters.

I do not like the fact that Dom’s family is just straight up working with the U.S. government at this point, even if the face of the government is Kurt Russell. My boyfriend hit the nail on the head when he said he wished they were out there doing “Robin Hood” type stuff, and I have to agree that would be a much better direction for the series to take going forward.

But like. It has dumbass car stuff and The Rock breaks his cast by flexing so he can join the third act action scene. I’m good. This is way more middle of the pack than its two immediate predecessors, but it’s still a hell of a ride.

(B-Rank)

The Fate of the Furious

I remember really not liking this when I saw it in theaters but I really disagree with that seeing it again? It was exactly the kind of pulpy nonsense I come to this franchise for!

I specifically remember being frustrated that Dom “Americansplained” Cuban culture to actual Cubans but watching it again all I really saw from him was genuine admiration? It kinda ruled!

I am so thirsty for dommy hacker Charlize Theron, even if literally threatening a baby was a bit much. Take that out, though, and damn this character is hot. The idea that she would need leverage to get you to do anything seems ridiculous. I would happily topple empires for her.

The action scene with the baby ruled, and so did the Rock literally throwing a torpedo. But I liked him even better as a girls soccer coach.

(B-Rank)

Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw

I mean, it’s pretty easily the worst Fast & Furious movie, but imagine thinking that that’s a damning criticism.

(C-Rank)

F9

“No no no see you’re not listening. Think about this. We’ve now been on insane missions around the world, doing what most would say is damn near impossible. And I ain’t got one single scar to show for it? I mean, look at my jacket. Those are bullet holes from 14 dudes trying to take my head clean off its shoulders. We’ve taken out cars, trains, tanks. I’m not even going to mention the submarine.”
“And yet we’re still here.”
“Exactly.”
“Ramsey, what happens when you test a theory over and over again only to come to the same result?”
“A hypothesis becomes fact. But you’re not actually suggesting that—”
“I don’t know but when the improbable happens again and again, that’s more than luck. Maybe we’re not so normal.”
“That’s what I’m saying. We are not normal!”

I had a hard time not just overreacting and putting this ahead of like Fast Five on my mental ranking of Fast & Furious movies. Even looking at it more realistically/conservatively it’s probably like my third favorite? I mean, damn.

Also this was the first time I saw a movie in DBOX which was quite the experience and also probably the only appropriate way to see this movie for the first time tbh.

My biggest complaint is the inherited big picture fact that Dom’s family isn’t outlaws anymore, that they’re at least somewhat aligned with the U.S. government. But they’re also just fighting random supervillains so I guess it’s kind of fine? But yeah I do really miss them explicitly being criminals and cops etc explicitly being their enemies. But oh well. And that’s a big picture problem with where the franchise is as a whole rather than anything remotely specific to this installment.

But, y’know. There is SO MUCH AWESOME in this movie I kind of don’t even know where to start. Pretty much every character got a chance to shine. John Cena was actually great in this. (When he showed up it was so Extra and yeah I hummed his entrance theme in my head, I barely stopped myself from doing so out loud!) And even though it wasn’t exactly shocking I gasped happily and threw my arms up in the air when that one character made their triumphant return.

The action scenes ruled. And this wouldn’t be a Fast & Furious movie if they didn’t do something with a car so ridiculous that I’m just not sure how they’re ever going to top it. I know we say that every time, but damn. The second they started setting it up, I was like, “They’re not. They’re not.” But of course they were, and it was so fucking dumb and I loved it so much I loved it so fucking much I love these dumbass movies.

Please keep making another one of these every few years for the foreseeable future. I cannot believe they are maintaining this level of quality ten movies and twenty years into the series??? This is unprecedented. Unless these things suddenly nosedive in quality I’m just never going to get tired of them. Keep them coming!!!

(B-Rank)

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