We Watched So Many My Little Pony Movies & Specials to Get Ready for A New Generation

My Little Pony: The Movie (1986)

Me @ basically everyone in this movie: Can you please stop.
Me @ every Grundle: You’re doing great, sweetie.

(D-Rank)

My Little Pony: Dancing in the Clouds

Why are there two Raritys and why is one of them Rainbow Dash???????????????????????

(C-Rank)

My Little Pony: A Very Minty Christmas

Minty is a beautiful disaster lesbian and I want to protect her with all my heart. Meanwhile, all the pegasi repeatedly cower in the face of the most terrifying peril: clouds.

(C-Rank)

My Little Pony: The Princess Promenade

“I think I know a princess when she steps on me.”

(C-Rank)

My Little Pony: Pinkie Pie and the Lady Bug Jamboree

I am uncomfortable with how many times the madeup word “squink” is used in this. It sounds like a fictional slur or a lewd act.

(D-Rank)

My Little Pony: Twinkle Wish Adventure

We decided that the best way to determine who is best qualified to guard this unbelievably important magical girl that Christmas can’t happen without or something was an ornament decorating contest. We have given you absolutely no warning that you have signed up for this responsibility. Here’s your tiny magical girl in a box that you apparently didn’t know exists even though we do this every Christmas I guess? Look, the creative team doesn’t take our audience seriously at all. Who do they look like, Lauren Faust? Anyway, good luck!

(C-Rank)

My Little Pony: Equestria Girls

I know a lot of people hate on it, but it’s cute and feel-good and I love the songs. The plot is very straightforward, but the whole thing very much fits the spirit of the show. I’m not really too sure what people were expecting, or if they just hate the core concept too much to give it a chance. (Which, like, fair. Your opinion is just as valid as mine.)

(B-Rank)

My Little Pony: Equestria Girls: Rainbow Rocks

Okay but this one straight-up rules, and if you disagree you are actually wrong?

This had the best songs of any My Little Pony movie until the most recent one, the Sirens are amazing villains, and Sunset Shimmer’s redemption arc is just wonderfully done. I love everything about this one.

(A-Rank)

My Little Pony: Equestria Girls: Friendship Games

The songs are great and I listened to ACADECA in particular a bunch because it came up on YouTube music while I was listening to other pony music, and just… it rules. This rules. All of this rules.

I kinda love all three of the Equestria Girls movies I’ve seen so far. I know a lot of the mlp fandom looks down their noses at it, but idk. I’ve found these uniformly great thus far.

(B-Rank)

My Little Pony: Equestria Girls: Legend of Everfree

Pretty comfortably my least favorite of the Equestria Girls movies, but it was still fine? The villain song ruled. My biggest (and only real major) complaint is that the pony girls are so terrified of having awesome magic powers. It kind of made sense for Twily, I guess? But everyone else, ESPECIALLY DASHIE???, had no reason to react this way.

WAIT NO that’s not my only major complaint. One of Twily’s camp counselors totally creeped on her??? And the movie not only doesn’t present this as a problem, we’re supposed to find it cute and all her friends tease her about it and she ends up agreeing to go on a date with him and dancing with him at the end of the movie and I just hate it??? Sunset Shimmer, what the hell??? You shouldn’t be encouraging her to go out with this thoroughly mediocre & creepy guy, you should be making out with her!!!!

(B-Rank)

My Little Pony: The Movie (2017)

Wow, as someone who actually watched and loved most of the first four seasons of the show, this was so bad??? Most of it has already fallen out of my brain it was so generic and unmemorable. Here are the exceptions, both positive and negative:

1. The animation looks like ass. Apparently they were worried that the Flash animation from the series would look too cheap for a movie, but I defy you to convince me that this wasn’t drastically worse.

2. No one is in character in this at fucking all? Except for literally like… seconds at a time? Everyone vacillates between being parodies of themselves and being just… there? Like, just taking up space because they’re supposed to be there but just not actually being a character, let alone themselves.

3. There are a lot of songs but they’re terrible and generic except for the few I’m about to specifically mention.

4. The bad guys all suck, EXCEPT FOR GRUBBER. You’re doing great sweetie.

5. The pirates ruled and Rainbow Dash’s song with them ruled.

6.  The seaponies have never really been my thing but I liked them here, and we got a really good Pinkie Pie song out of this part of the plot.

7. Unfortunately we ALSO get the WORST thing about this movie, which I wouldn’t be harshing on so much if it weren’t for this. But the entire thing hinges on Twilight Sparkle deceiving her friends and then exploding at them when they call her out. It makes ZERO sense and just goes completely against her character, and then it just doesn’t get resolved AT ALL. So, you know. Definitely a sensible direction to go for the film adaptation of a show whose episodes usually LITERALLY END WITH HER WRITING A LETTER ABOUT HOW SHE LEARNED HOW TO BE A BETTER FRIEND.

8.  The villain song this leads to is amazing and SO dommy, though. I wish the villain it was given to had a personality or motivations that made sense, but can’t win ’em all I guess.

9. Oh, right Sia was in this movie for some reason? She can fuck all the way off. Don’t see her Autism Speaks ad disguised as a movie please thank you.

10. To end on a positive note, there is SO MUCH BONDAGE in this, including Canterlot citizens being used as literal pony slaves. So uh. Yeah.

And, uh… yeah! That’s… kind of it! Just a big cinematic shrug. One or two good moments, and a lot of infuriating ones.

(C-Rank)

My Little Pony: A New Generation

Oh my gosh??? Oh my GOSH??????? This is SO good?????????????? Like, pretty easily the best piece of My Little Pony media ever??????????

The songs, the CHARACTERS, the plot, the themes, the celebration of Friendship Is Magic without pandering to bronies… this is SO good, you guys!!! I’m FLOORED.

(S-Rank)


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