Spooky Movie Season Mini-Reviews

Halloween (1978)

’tis the season

(A-Rank)

Little Witch Academia (2013) & Little Witch Academia: The Enchanted Parade

I kinda loved both of these but what finally clicked for me with the second one is that I hate Akko as a protagonist. I love literally everyone else, including Diana who I’m not supposed to like because she’s bullying the protagonist but like… she is better than her!! She’s brave, she’s constantly saving people from their own fuckups… yeah her elitism sucks, but with some guidance she can grow out of that! And she’s also the only character in this who points out what I immediately thought of the parade, which is that it’s just weird and degrading to throw a parade celebrating the organized mass torture and murder of witches???

Akko, on the other hand, is completely selfish and just bulldozes over her friends’ feelings and then does literally nothing to fix it and just waits for them to come back to her which they do???? And I just want to know what I’m supposed to think about any of this.

But like… these still own!!! All the magic action sequences, especially at the parade in the second one, rule. And again I love literally all the other characters I didn’t even get around to gushing about Amanda or any of her crew!! I just… hate the protagonist, and she gets rewarded for awful behavior and just… oh gosh oh no she’s just literally Harry Potter isn’t she.

Please tell me she gets better in the series please I’m begging you.

(B-Rank)

Halloweentown

This has been on my “I absolutely need to watch this” list for basically ever, but I kept putting it off. Largely because I was terrified that I missed the boat by not seeing it as a kid, and it would be one of those nostalgic faves where you watch it too late and you’re like “yeah sorry I don’t get it.” Which would be depressing as heck because the movie is about a town where it’s HECKING ALWAYS HALLOWEEN, ARE YOU KIDDING? THAT IS THE RADDEST THING EVER!!! But of course I ended up liking it, because it’s about a town where IT’S HECKING ALWAYS HALLOWEEN, ARE YOU KIDDING? THAT IS THE RADDEST THING EVER!!!

I’m an easy mark, because I’m a novice Witch and this movie is about a family of Witches. Plus Halloween has been my favorite holiday for only my entire life. My personality is basically a Spirit Halloween store. But, yeah. If a family of Witches punching a fascist warlock in the face with magic to stop him from taking over a town where it’s always Halloween doesn’t sound like a good time to you, I kind of don’t want to party with you.

(A-Rank)

Escape the Undertaker

I do want more of these Netflix cyoa things, but I’d really like them to have actual branching storylines and lots of different endings.

Pretty excited to have lived long enough for FMV games to be a thing again, though. And no, I’m not kidding.

(C-Rank)

Halloweentown II: Kalabar’s Revenge

I can’t believe Marnie died for her mother’s and brother’s sins in the last movie just for them to hit reset on their entire character arcs. Also, Marnie being seduced by an evil witch boy (no, Disney, boy Witches are not automatically warlocks) coulda been WAY hotter, but y’know. Disney Channel Movie.

This doesn’t hold a candle (GET IT???? Sorry, that famous dril tweet about budgeting and candles is just literally about Witches) to the first one, but it’s still charming and fun and better than a Disney Channel sequel has any right being.

(B-Rank)

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later

Yeah this still rules. One thing I didn’t mention in all my other reviews because I was focusing on other aspects is that this one really does have some choice kills. The one where Michael injures the girl with the dumbwaiter and then steps on her and stabs her is one of the best kills in the series. And I’m not just saying that because I want to be stepped on.

(B-Rank)

Beetlejuice (1988)

We were in Orlando to visit our girlfriend, and we spent two days at Disney. The sort of main event of the trip, though, and the reason we went in October, was Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios. I think everyone but me was the most excited for the Beetlejuice house, and it was also kind of pretty clearly the biggest headliner aside from that Netflix show I’m not watching, so that was neat I guess?

But yeah I realized part of why I wasn’t super excited for it was I hadn’t seen the movie in FOREVER, so as a sort of combination of celebrating our trip to Horror Nights and “hey I wanna refresh my memory of this one” we ended up watching it, and yeah! It totally holds up. Not something I’m gonna be clamoring to rewatch on the regular, but still just as solid as I remember.

Michael Keaton’s performance in this RULES, and I’m also a big Geena Davis fan both in general and here specifically. And the entire conceit of the afterlife having an inefficient bureaucracy to deal with, while certainly not how I think things work, is still an inspired choice to form a movie around.

Lastly on a personal note I cannot believe my childhood gifted me both Lydia Deetz and Wednesday Addams and I was too much of a fucking coward to follow their example and be the goth I was meant to be I’M SORRY I’m trying to make up for it now! 🖤

(B-Rank)

Halloween Kills

Spoiler-free bottom line: sometimes this tries to be a stupid slasher with a high body count and lots of fake blood everywhere, and when it sticks to that it’s probably like a grade higher than I have it rated. Other times it tries to Say Stuff and 90% of the Stuff it tries to Say is terrible and all of it contradicts each other and it doesn’t even do a good job of Saying the bad Stuff it wants to Say.

Spoilery observations:

(CW: Horny and murder and horny for murder.)

  • Can we talk about how Karen was actually a Karen in this one? Also, she’s wearing a Christmas sweater on fucking HALLOWEEN? High-key the not-so-secret secret villain of this movie.
  • Cameron throwing a hoodie over his Bonnie cosplay to go join the hunt for Michael is a seriously baller femboy move. A+. Kid redeemed himself here. And his dad knew about his costume and approved!! Even jokingly called him “Bonnie” on the phone!!! Which continued a trend from the first movie where that one little boy told his dad he liked going hunting and fishing with him but he wanted to focus on dance. The kids/parents in Haddonfield are alright, folks!!
  • In 2021 I would like to not have a central plot point of a major motion picture be that a cop is sad about not executing someone in cold blood, THANKS.
  • Big John and Little John are wonderful and them getting murdered is not homophobic please calm down this is a slasher movie. I am honestly all for people like me getting murdered in a slasher movie it’s low-key horny more of this please. I am not convinced there are any straight characters in this movie except for the old people.
  • After his mob kills the wrong fucking guy Tommy has like a SECOND of regret before saying “if I’m going down I’m going down swinging” and just, NO my dude?????? This isn’t a thing I say lightly, but how about GO TO JAIL????????? You raised a mob that KILLED a dude for the crime of being mentally ill on the wrong night???????????? Go to JAIL???????????????????????
  • They did a “when we’re scared The Terrorists Win” subplot for fucking MICHAEL MEYERS, the guy who wears a creepy mask, walks slow, and stabs people a bunch when there are enough pumpkins around to give him superpowers (ok I made that last part up but it’s not explicitly refuted by the text). Really??? REALLY?????
  • Michael stabbing the fuck out of Karen in a Christmas sweater should close the book on Halloween vs. Christmas forever I will not be taking questions thank you. Blessed be.

(B-Rank)

Hocus Pocus

Me every time Sarah talks about torturing boys: I’M BOYS

(A-Rank)

Halloweentown High

The ending ruled but it was the only good part of the movie and it didn’t earn it at all?

Also, just saying? When I heard the title I thought it was gonna be about Marnie going to high school in Halloweentown which woulda been way better.

(C-Rank)

Return to Halloweentown

Much better than Halloweentown High, on a similar tier to the second one though the second one is drastically better imo. But, yeah. This hit the spot I would expect/hope a Halloweentown sequel would. I wouldn’t have minded more of these as long as they at least hit this gear.

Also how would one go about getting Witch bullies to bully them? Asking for a friend.

(B-Rank)

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