We Also Watched Some Non-Christmas Carol Christmas Movies, I Guess

Jingle All the Way (1996)

Hadn’t seen this one in years and uh YEAH wow it’s thematically gross af? The protagonist of every 90s movie (an “overworked” dipshit who keeps disappointing his son) played by literally Arnold Schwarzenegger heroically overcomes such dastardly bullies as… uh… retail workers??? During literally fucking the holidays??? And… a working-class black guy…????? Oof.

(Sidenote: the kid is played by Jake Lloyd. Idk, just seemed interesting.)

Thing is, I wear glasses, and occasionally the lenses are a sort of… rosy nostalgia-amplifying color? And, uh, yeah. Embarrassing confession, I literally had one of those Turbo Man action figures? So… yeah. My dad thought it was stupid, because of course he did. (If you’re new here, he thought basically everything I wanted or liked was stupid and wasn’t particularly shy about letting me know. Oh hey, this is actually on theme! The movie is about a shitty dad! I mean, uh, I totally knew that and it was on purpose, shut up.)

But yeah. I always like more “immersive” ways of interacting with movies? Like, if you can actually buy the toy from the movie, hell yeah I’m gonna want that. I know it’s probably a shitty overpriced quickservice restaurant, but I want to eat at Pizza Planet sometime? I just want the cups etc to say Pizza Planet on them like they did in Toy Story. I enjoyed eating at Mel’s Diner in Universal even though American Graffiti was hardly one of my favorite movies? (Though I did go through a phase of watching it kind of a lot because we had it on VHS so yeah.)

… anyway, yeah. I’m rambling about stuff that isn’t Jingle All the Way because Jingle All the Way is just kind of… there? It’s a thing I remember. If I had no particular past affection for it, I doubt it would’ve made much of an impression on me now beyond “wow, this is thematically gross.”

Nostalgia, yo.

(B-Rank)

Christmas Twister

This was fucking ADORABLE, haters get a life.

(B-Rank)

Dragons: Gift of the Night Fury

I’m not crying over How to Train Your Dragon (again), you’re crying over How to Train Your Dragon (again).

(A-Rank)

The Santa Clause

Wow, my extreme childhood crush on the leader of the elf rescue team is the only reason I remember this movie fondly, huh? (I still totally get it, tbh. But this time my biggest crush by far was on Comet.)

Tim Allen plays the biggest fucking jerk in this, way more like the actual Tim Allen than his Home Improvement or Galaxy Quest characters. He’s just… so freaking unlikable.

The elves are so good, though! They actually make this movie completely worth revisiting. Bernard being just Done with everything is such a powerful mood in every scene.

Also, the CGI is adorably bad in 4K, thank you so much for this HBO Max.

(C-Rank)

Olaf’s Frozen Adventure

This was cute!! I had very low expectations because Olaf is one of my least favorite Frozen characters, so I was very pleasantly surprised. I could see this becoming annual Christmas viewing, tbh!

(B-Rank)

Inspector Gadget Saves Christmas

I’m rethinking my position on himbo rights.

(D-Rank)

Home Alone (1990)

That’s a nice lesson you learned there, Kevin’s family. Sure would be a shame if anything were to happen to it before the next movie.

(B-Rank)

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

As often seemed to happen with these kinds of movies for whatever reason, this sequel was the one I saw over and over as a kid, not the original. So when I have fond/nostalgic memories of these movies it’s generally this one I think of. Like, the hotel and the toy store and everything are so tied up in my memory it was kinda weird revisiting the first one and seeing like “oh, okay… he’s at his house and… still at his house.”

Also like… we literally had a Talkboy and turtledoves? And I think I’ve mentioned before that that sort of defictionalization of things from movies was always kind of a big deal for me for whatever reason? Like, I used to wear this Starfleet Academy hoodie that looked like a regular college hoodie, stuff like that always gets me.

Side note, I know we hate the whole “there’s a pink version for girls!” that always happens with electronics, but when I was a kid I saw an advertisement for a girl version of the Talkboy called a Talkgirl that was pink with purple writing/accents instead of the boy version which was light grey with dark grey writing/accents and I totally thought that one looked cooler and wished we had it instead! I also kinda wished I could have a pink and purple version of my Gameboy since it had basically the same color scheme, so just saying, although I understand why we roll our eyes at the whole “it’s pink because it’s for girls!” thing that is genuinely appealing to some kids, and it was super appealing to this particular enby femboy who didn’t know they were an enby femboy yet.

(B-Rank)

The Santa Clause 2

This is honestly a much better movie than the first one for pretty obvious reasons, but that doesn’t make up for the fact that that elf boy I had a crush on isn’t in it!!!!! And that lack of generosity is very much not befitting the season you’re supposed to be celebrating, movie! Shame on you.

(C-Rank)

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